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Suckers Only Die Twice

Generously hosted free of charge for Manuel ‘Tonto’ del Guano by johnny albert on behalf of the ILF (International Literature Federation) for like reading and stuff. Anticipating a tedious journey I grabbed an ‘action’ paperback before boarding a long haul flight. Not the first one I’d read of course and not the first time either I’d felt that what I was reading was at best, weak. The novel in question had been written by a well known author, had many favourable (if unsupportable) reviews and was available in many languages….soon to become an idiotic TV ‘mini-series’ and truly ludicrous computer game. So I resolved to write the sort of novel that publishers were accepting; as similar as I could make it to the frankly unbelievable one I was reading on that flight. I planned initially to insert an asterisk to forewarn the reader of each cliché, idea or phrase I’d plagiarised from other novels, but abandoned that idea as there would be asterisks everywhere. However, in Montevideo I then came across the following novel, which seemed to fulfill current publishing requirements exactly, whilst being almost certainly the worst novel ever written….a sweeping testament to monumental literary ineptitude….makes Bulwer-Lytton look like Gustave Flaubert…..the longest ‘dime novel’ cliche you will ever read….. Imagine you are a high class publisher and the following manuscript – in all seriousness – has been submitted to you for publication….. To quote Oscar Wilde: One must have a heart of stone to read (Dickens’) the death of little Nell without laughing. ‘SUCKERS ONLY DIE TWICE’
( ‘Los lechones mueren solamente dos veces’ ) Translated from the best selling novel by globally celebrated multi-prize-winning Latin American author,     MANUEL ‘TONTO’  del GUANO *For UK readers the translator has used ‘Scotland Yard’ for ‘Jefaturas Policia Municipal’ Only by immersing ourselves in the absurd might we then glimpse something different in the distance….DWJ ***WORLD’S VERY FIRST***   book with integral sponsorship, utterly unique. (Sponsored by ‘Clinker’s Crisps’) “Simply the best most exquisite classical literature ever written”…. “Actually the best book of any description ever written by anyone, anywhere, ever” …. “Truly Great Literature of everlasting, timeless, sweeping majesty”…. “Transporting, dazzling brilliance”…. “A work of (Clinkers) unparalleled genius”…. “Billions will still be in breathless awe of this majestic  literary masterpiece thousands, if not millions of years from now”…..

Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Appendix


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